Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
