The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
