I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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