im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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