if you like me you must not know who I am
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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