I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize