my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
