Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think I died a long time ago.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there was a trapeze. enough said
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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