Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
