I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
