She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
