He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
