2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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