I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
