sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
