he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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