I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
