you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
