Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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