Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So vagazzling was a success
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