remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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