totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
