Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
