sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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