listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
