i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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