He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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