i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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