I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
