True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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