i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
