Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
