bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
