the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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