after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
