I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Randomize
