kristin has been a bad kristin
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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