I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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