So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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