Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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