he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
