someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
as a side note pls kill me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
