Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
