$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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