no, he came in my armpit
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
