I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
