Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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