I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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