I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Did I show you my penis last night?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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