WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
