That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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