I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
