I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
