Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
