my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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