I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
YAS. BRING CRAB.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize