We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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