She said her name was "party"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
