I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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