i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
