I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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