All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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