Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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