cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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