i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
