why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize