I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
