Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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