True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
